


Mr. Gold is a Big Fat Slut

by shalako



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: But is it crack or is it canon, Crack, Gold's first name, Humor, Mills family drama, Multi, Nothing explicit just good old fashioned rumor mill, Pegging, Sleepovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-27
Updated: 2019-08-27
Packaged: 2020-10-01 22:00:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20418869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shalako/pseuds/shalako
Summary: What it says on the tin.





	Mr. Gold is a Big Fat Slut

“I knocked on Regina’s door today,” Ruby said. “Guess who opened the door?”

“Who?” said Archie. Ruby leaned over the counter and waggled her eyebrows conspiratorially.

“Mr. Gold,” she said, quietly, so no one else could hear. “Wearing his pajamas.”

Archie looked suitably impressed for a moment, but then he tilted his head to the side, confused. “In the middle of the day?” he asked.

“Yeah. He said Regina wasn’t home. And I don’t think he opened his shop today, so I think that means he spent the night with her last night, and he hasn’t gone home yet.”

“Geez,” said Archie. “Imagine those two together. What a nightmare.”

“Kind of a sexy nightmare, though,” Ruby said. 

“Well, yeah,” said Archie. “The nightmare part is their personalities, not their looks.”

“You can say that again.” Ruby rested her chin on her hand and hummed. “How long do you think they’ve been dating? I thought Regina had a thing for Graham.”

“Oh, she does,” Archie agreed. “I saw her with him once or twice — but I don’t think they’re exclusive. He’s chasing Emma—”

“And so is she,” Ruby said, grinning. “And Mr. Gold too, apparently.”

“Well, I think it’s a thing with him,” said Archie. He waved his hand vaguely. “I think he’s made it his mission to have sex with everyone in the Mills family. Remember last year, Regina’s mom and sister got into that huge fight here when they found out both of them had slept with Gold?”

“Yeah,” said Ruby. “You think he fucked Regina’s dad, too?”

Archie considered it. “Quite possibly,” he said. “But it would’ve had to be a while ago. Her dad’s dead.”

Ruby looked ready to argue this point, but at that exact moment the bell over the door rang and they both turned around. Mr. Gold stood in the doorway, dressed in a pristine suit and looking distracted and somewhat harassed. He glanced around the empty diner and made a beeline for the counter, shooting Archie a strange look when he stopped beside him. Archie opened his mouth to say hi, but before he could, Gold turned his attention on Ruby.

“I don’t want you to get the wrong idea,” he said lowly. Ruby flashed a brief grin at Archie.

“Wrong idea about what?” she said with faux innocence. If she expected Gold to get flustered at having to explain, she was sorely disappointed.

“Regina and I aren’t fucking anymore,” he said calmly. “It’s in the past. We’re just friends.”

“Friends who have sleepovers,” said Ruby.

“Yes,” said Gold, raising an eyebrow. 

“You aren’t fucking _ anymore?_” Archie asked. He felt like Ruby had failed to pounce on that. Gold glanced over at him.

“_Yes_,” he said again. 

“So you _ were _ fucking at some point,” Ruby said, smirking.

“Yes,” said Gold impatiently. “That’s what _ anymore _means.”

“So why do you care if I get the wrong idea?” Ruby asked.

“Because you won’t keep your ideas to yourself,” said Gold, leaning on the counter. “If _ you _think we’re fucking, everyone in Storybrooke will know before the dinner rush is over.”

“What’s it matter if they do?”

Gold sighed and pushed away from the counter to point at a window on the opposite side of the diner. It had been damaged during Zelena and Cora’s big fight last year, and still had spiderweb cracks all over it.

“I promised those two psychopaths I wouldn’t fuck anyone else in their family,” Gold said. “They didn’t know I’d already fucked Regina.”

“It seems like a lot of your problems are caused by being a slut,” Ruby said, not without sympathy. Archie turned a chuckle into a cough; judging from the sharp look Gold gave him, it wasn’t very convincing. 

It looked like Gold very much wanted to deny that he was a slut, but he seemed to sense this wasn’t the right time or place — he had, after all, fucked both Ruby and Archie in the past.

“Just keep it to yourself,” he said eventually. “I’ll have the window replaced if you do.”

_ Finally_, Archie thought. 

“I won’t tell,” Ruby promised, “but only if you tell me a secret.”

Gold looked pained. “What is it?”

Ruby and Archie shared a quick smile. “Did you ever fuck Regina’s dad?” Ruby asked. Gold sighed through his nose and gave an impatient nod.

“Oh my God,” said Ruby. “How many times?”

“Three,” said Gold.

“Is that more or less than Cora?” asked Archie, turning slightly so he could see Gold better. Gold looked back at him with hooded eyes.

“Less than Cora,” he said. “More than Zelena and Regina.”

“Are you, like, targeting the Mills family for a specific reason,” asked Ruby, “or is it just part of your general quest to fuck everyone in town?”

Gold made a noise of protest, and Ruby immediately launched into a list.

“You fucked David Nolan while he was married, and you fucked Kathryn Nolan while she was married to David, and then you fucked Mary Margaret when she and David were having an affair, and then you fucked David again while he was with Mary Margaret--”

“It’s not my responsibility to keep track of their affairs,” said Gold dismissively.

“Well, the point isn’t about the relative morality of all the fucking you’ve done,” Archie pointed out. “It’s all about the quantity.”

“Did you fuck Emma?” Ruby asked. “I heard a rumor. Didn’t she have sex with your son?”

“Emma and I have never had—” Gold hesitated a moment before saying, “sex.”

Archie and Ruby both leapt on that hesitation.

“So you’ve done_ something,” _ Archie said.

“Oral?” Ruby guessed. “Anal? It still counts as sex if you’re penetrating her, even if it’s in the ass.”

“Well, it wasn’t _ her _ass,” said Gold calmly.

“Oh, my God,” said Archie. 

“That’s practically incest!” said Ruby. “She fucked your son!”

Gold scoffed. 

“You had sex with me,” Archie volunteered.

“That’s right,” said Ruby, readily accepting the change of subject. “And me. And Vincent!”

“Before the two of you were dating,” Gold said.

“Still, again, this is about quantity,” said Ruby. “I heard you fucked Jefferson.”

“Everyone’s heard that,” Gold grumbled. “He won’t shut up about it.”

“And Albert Spencer, even though he’s the DA.”

“Ach,” said Gold, waving his hand. “What’s his job matter?”

“You’re the only defense attorney in town,” Archie said. “You can’t fuck the DA.”

“Says who?”

“The _ law_,” said Ruby and Archie together. When Gold just scoffed again, Ruby said, “What about Leroy? Have you fucked Leroy?”

Gold looked almost wistful. “I wish.”

“You _ wish_?”

“Leroy wouldn’t touch me if I paid him.”

“You _ want _him to?” said Archie shrilly.

“He’s not bad-looking,” said Gold. “He’s just short, and I don’t have room to criticize anyone in that department.”

Ruby mulled this over while Archie looked aghast.

“What about Graham?” Ruby asked.

“Yes.”

“Killian?”

Gold made a face, but said, “Yes.”

“Oh, my God,” said Ruby. “You’re scowling. Was he awful?”

Gold started to nod, then caught himself and changed his answer to, “I don’t kiss and tell.”

“Did you bottom or did he?” asked Ruby.

“Gold always bottoms,” said Archie without thinking. 

“Gold does nothing of the sort,” said Mr. Gold primly. “But yes, I bottomed for Killian.”

“Well, who have you topped, then?” asked Ruby. “And girls don’t count. Though apparently, you don’t always top with girls, either,” she added quickly.

“I topped David Nolan, Jefferson, and that fellow dating the librarian.”

“You topped Gaston?” said Ruby, at the same time Archie said,

“You don’t even know his name?”

Gold just shrugged. 

“God,” said Ruby. “Okay, here’s a thought — why don’t you name the people in town you _ haven’t _fucked.”

“Oh,” said Gold. He raised his eyebrows to the ceiling and thought hard. “Well, nobody under twenty-five.”

“What about anyone over sixty?” Ruby asked.

“Oh…” said Gold, trailing off. He looked at the ceiling again, this time clearly evading their eyes.

“Oh, God,” said Archie, as he suddenly realized why Gold was hesitating. “He fucked Granny.”

Ruby’s mouth dropped open. Gold grimaced. Before Ruby could vocalize her outrage, Gold softly said,

“And Marco.”

Ruby’s mouth snapped shut and her head whipped around to Archie, who was staring at Gold in horror.

“You can’t fuck Marco!” he said. “You fucked _ me _!”

“How is that relevant?” asked Gold, but he was still staring at the ceiling. “If Emma can fuck _ me _, I can certainly fuck Marco.”

“He’s my best friend!” said Archie. 

“So what?” said Ruby. “He fucked my _ grandma _.” A look of horror crossed her face. “Wait, Gold, did you fuck me first or Granny?”

“Oh, Granny,” said Gold readily.

“_What_,” said Ruby. Archie was similarly taken aback.

“You don’t call her _ Granny _during sex, do you?” he asked.

In response, Gold just winked.

“This is _ not _a winking matter,” Archie said. “That’s grotesque.”

“You _ do _call her Granny?” asked Ruby. Gold knitted his eyebrows together.

“Is there something else I’m supposed to call her?”

“She has a name.”

“Well, so do I,” said Gold, waving his left hand dismissively. “But does anyone bother to use it?”

Archie narrowed his eyes. “You won’t tell anyone what it is.”

“You told me it was Barbara,” said Ruby.

“You told _ me _it was ‘Mister,’” said Archie.

“Mr. Barbara Gold, yes,” said Gold with an easy shrug. “Miss Lucas, I’m a busy man. Can I trust you to keep this secret to yourself or not?”

Ruby hesitated, her mouth opening and closing as Gold and Archie watched her. “I…” she started. “I’ve forgotten which secret I’m supposed to be keeping. We’ve been over a lot in the past five minutes.”

“What about Belle?” asked Archie before Gold could fill her in. 

“Of course he’s fucked Belle,” said Ruby, exasperated.

“We’re waiting for marriage, actually,” said Gold.


End file.
